Alone

The ticktocks of my bedroom clock intensified with every tick. The room was dark save the yellow photon mosaic, patched on the webbed ceiling by none other than the biggest lamppost I have ever seen. Although the light patches disturbed the darkness, only the outlines of an empty bed, a shut laptop, scattered coins, a Swiss knife being my laptop's safe, six functional keys and a broken one could be seen. The sight really wasn't much if all your possessions were stacked on a desktop. To think it over, a guest wouldn't notice any traces of desolation. But, as the ticktocks of my bedroom clock intensified with every tick, the lubdubs of my heartbeat intensified with every pump. It suddenly dawned on me that the empty bed across mine is empty (Yeah, you read that right). Then, every single lobe of my brain complained to me.

Let me take you to each one of them.

On one lobe read "THE BED". The bed. The bed next to mine was empty. The bed next to mine was empty, and it was not empty a month ago. The bed next to mine was empty, and it was not empty a month ago because my brother slept there. The bed next to mine was empty, and it was not empty a month ago because my brother slept there until I knew I was going to be an uncle. The bed next to mine was empty, and it was not empty a month ago because my brother slept there until I knew I was going to be an uncle, and he finally transferred to a new house near Bamboo-the-singer's residence.

On another lobe read "MY HOME". My home. I never really knew what adventure I embarked on when I left home exactly four years ago. I never imagined "this" happening. But as of now, I was worried about my mom. My mom was all alone in our humble abode because Peter Pan was with Wendy in Alabang, my dad left home for work and the elections, and I am stuck with Manila for the shooting. My mom was all alone this recent Mother's Day. My mom was all alone when she handled our village's fiesta last Sunday. My mom was all alone when the only family she could call was me. My mom has been all alone when she sleeps.

On another read "DAD". Dad. My dad gets a retainer's fee for being our town's congressman's lawyer. The recent elections surely gave my dad a hard time and weeks away from home. I'm certain my dad considers 24/7 a cliché. Going back to the retainer's fee, which I think won't be enough for kicking my bro's butt away from home and my bro's upcoming wedding and my bro's child and my bro's house bills and my bro's..., I am disturbed by the fact that we may be literally asking for alms in due time. And, my mom just called to inform me that the congressman's wife, who's running for congresswoman and whom dad supports, is behind by 700 in one of the municipalities. If she loses, we're off. We're gonna be off to see the wizard, the wonderful wizard of Oz. Seriously. I don't want my dad's being away from home 24/7 to be a waste.

On another read "HEY BRO". Ugh. I love my brother. But he's gone, and I have to accept the fact that the empty bed beside mine is gonna be empty for the rest of my stay (well, except for irregular visits). And earlier today, I witnessed something my brother and I never had, the brotherhood of another brotherhood (Ok, zip it). My brotherhood with my biological brother was not the best you could ever had. But it was still a brotherhood. Ok, I'll shut up before anything odd happens.

On another lobe read "PISAY-UP". Uhuh. Uhuh. Uhuh-uhuh-uhuh. I am entering college but instead of the usual pack of lobes that think about college life, I'm gonna be stuck with one. Just one lobe. A lone lobe. The Pisay shooting will finally resume, after a three-week hiatus. *sigh* And to think, I achieved nothing. nil. zero. zilch. I hope UP would not be squeezing my only lobe left for it.

On another read "BUH-BYE. I WON'T BE SEEING YOU EVER AGAIN (exaggerated, or maybe not)." Buh-bye. To ones of people leaving the country. But it actually boils down to leaving me. First goes Joji. Anj. Then Jannel. Kuya Mike. Then someone-else-whose-name-I-must-not-mention-for-
reasons-I-know-not-of. You're all leaving. This lobe was reactivated when that someone-else-whose-name-I-must-not-mention-for-
reasons-I-know-not-of told me he/she'll be leaving tomorrow for somewhere-not-in-the-Philippines. Anyhow, my point is, although I wanna tell the world how I'll miss them, I can't compose myself for such things as these. Leaping to higher leaps, I'll be going to Africa with Joji come some time in the future. Hopefully, we are gonna hold medical missions, love the children, love Africa, and love the world. If you wanna join the fun/love/showcase of love/labor/whateber you wanna call it, then tell us.

On another read "INSOMNIA". During non-class days, I get insomniac. I try to sleep but it takes me about seven dozen methods to counteract insomnia before I get to sleep. Every night, I try the sheep-counting thing, the count-to-forever thing, the milk-before-bedtime thing, the yoga-meditation thing, the thing, you name it. I just can't and it breaks my heart because during those times, I never forget to remember every single person I miss. I miss you.

On another read "MY DEAR COUNTRY". I am saddened when I am reminded of how poorly informed I am about our country. The time will come when I'll show the Philippines my love and support and care.

On another read "ME, MYSELF, AND I". I am alone. period. That's the whole point of this post. And I've had enough with friends calling me "emo" and "drama". My hairstyle doesn't seem to agree with any of them. Anyway, I can't blame them, because I have to express how I feel--alone. Yes, I am alone. And, don't ever try to joke me or bitch me about this, because I'm serious. I don't want to be alone. That's why I spend trillions of centavos on gimmicks, libres, overtime, ym time, dates, and a whole lot more. Nobody wants to be alone. But I am. But you won't fully comprehend, so this is useless. Anyway, if ever you find me weird or over-the-top, it's because I'm alone. I really am, so don't piss me off about it.

So, as the ticktocks of my bedroom clock intensified with every tick, I am reminded of how alone I am. Lord, help.